Not Within My Grasp
by sudoku
Summary: It's Emma's turn to dream about Neal as she is confused about being the Dark One. A companion piece to "Only In Your Dream." Written way before "Dreamcatchers" aired.


As usual thanks to RainMirror to beta this story for me.

 **Warning:** Language, spiritual, angst.

* * *

He is sitting on a bench in front of her. They are at the beach in Storybrooke. The place where he apologized and said he wanted to look for her but was too afraid. The last place and time where they were at peace with themselves and with each other. Before he got shot and all things went to hell quite literally.

She is not sure whether he knows of her presence but he doesn't turn his head at all when she approaches.

He only turns his head and smiles when she sits next to him. "Took you long enough."

Her breath is caught in her throat. He is wearing the red jacket and jeans he loved so much in their old days. He looks great, young, and carefree. He looks exactly the same as he was in Portland with his lazy smile, twinkling eyes, and carefree attitude. Emma later realized that some of those attitudes were just pretence as his defence mechanism. But she is not sure about now. She is not exactly an expert in whatever situation they are in now. She is not even sure how she got here and whether he is real. She touches his face because the Dark One doesn't have any inhibition. Her hand doesn't go through, so not a ghost. "You're real."

Neal shrugs. "Eh, real is kinda relative, don't you think?"

"Are you real?"

"Only if you want me to be."

"Since when are you so cryptic?"

"Emma, I think you know the answer. I'm not going to insult your intelligence."

"So just a dream." She sighs.

"Come on, Em. No sighing and whining when you are around me."

"This is my dream so I can damn well do what I want. Besides, I'm the Dark One now if you missed the flashing neon signs."

"Not when you invite me to your dream. You're cramping my style." He winks. He then looks her up and down. "Are you the Dark One now? Kinda hard to tell without the green scaly skin but again I have only met two Dark Ones before you and they looked different. "

"Well, you have met more shares of the Dark Ones compared to the rest of people in Storybrooke, Killian included. They have only met your father. You should be the expert but again you're not around."

"Killian, huh?" Emma tries to detect if there is any hint of jealousy but he just acts so casual. "Not my business. I did ask you to find Tallahassee without me. And I'm sorry I can't be around, not exactly my choice if you remember. I literally don't have any physical body to be around with."

She feels terrible now. She cups his face with her hands. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. I really miss you." She looks into his warm brown eyes and can't help but blurt out. "And by the way, you look great." She manages to bite her tongue before she continues with "afterlife suits you". There is a lack of tact, then there is plain rudeness. Even as the Dark One, she still has some standards. And Neal doesn't deserve all the crap she has faced since she became the Dark One. None of these are his fault.

"I would have said likewise although I'm not really digging this dominatrix of the Matrix look. It was so 1999."

Emma can't help but bursts out laughing. Others are either too busy to try to get her back to the "real Emma" or to hate, avoid, or condemn her. Neal just sees her as she is and makes her laugh. "Thank you for making me laugh. I really need that." She plants a quick kiss on his lips, horrified at what she has done, and releases him. "I'm so sorry, I don't know what has come into me."

Neal looks dazed. He waves his right hand. "Anytime!" Then he widens his eyes realizing what that implies. "I mean I'm happy to make you laugh anytime, not that you can kiss me anytime. Not that I'll complain if you want to kiss me of course. But I don't demand that you do so. You can do anything you want, as long as you don't harm others of course. Not that I want to control you. It's just principle of life. I just said that even though I'm dead. And I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore so I'd better shut up."

It's nice to see that Neal can still blunder even in the afterlife. She takes his right hand in her hands. "I really miss you. I'm not kidding about that. I miss how to be just Emma, not the saviour, not the Dark One, just plain Emma."

He threads his fingers in hers. "You're always Emma to me. And you are not plain. Never. Although I'd prefer you to leave the 1999 alone." He winks again.

"Incorrigible as usual. I guess nothing changes. I wish you were around and I could talk to you. I realized you are the only one who truly understands how the Dark One corrupts someone's mind and how to deal with it."

"Not very successfully if you remember. I ended up alone in a foreign realm then Neverland for centuries. I really wish I could help you."

"You were only a kid, Neal. And you were only by yourself, not all of Storybrooke. Don't blame yourself. You did well with the cards you were dealt although I must admit it seemed they were all crappy. I'm so sorry."

"Am I supposed to comfort you or is that the other way around?"

"Doesn't it always go both ways for us? That's why we were a good team."

"We indeed were." Neal looks wistful.

She quickly changes topic. "So how is afterlife treating you?"

"I can't complain much. I mean I literally can't complain. I can't really muster the energy to be angry or sad or any of the negative emotions. Most of the time I just feel blissful and at peace although I do miss Henry, you, and Papa and some of the people. Well, some more than others. But I can't feel too sad about that which I'm not sure whether it's good. I guess it's supposed to be good."

"I'm so glad that you found peace here. You deserve it after all you have been through. I wish you could have had a happy ending with us but I guess fate had other plans. As long as you are happy now."

"I think happy ending is kinda over rated, especially in our realm. Besides, happiness is our state of mind."

Emma raises her nearly-non-existent eyebrows. "Are you a hippy now?"

"Hey, being a hippy is cool. I picked the name Neal Cassidy after all."

"And you insulted my 1999 look!"

"So you admitted it _was_ a 1999 look!" He smirks.

She releases her hands and lightly punches his arm. He pretends to flinch. She really misses their banters. Killian either puts her on some sort of pedestal or rejects her when she is not his idea of a perfect woman anymore. Neal just gets her although he gets on her nerve too sometimes with his bad jokes. But she wouldn't have him any other way. Not that she can have Neal in anyway now. She lowers her head.

He pokes her with his fingers. "Now, now, although I don't dig the 1999 look, that year itself is not that bad. Except for the worry of the Y2K thing of course."

Her breath hitches. Only Neal can make a joke from the land without magic. When Emma mentions something like that to the residents of Storybrooke, she mostly draws a blank. The more reason that Neal is compatible with her but he can't be around. This time she can't blame it on him. Tears start to drop involuntarily from her eyes.

"Wow, I didn't know that you have that strong a view about Y2K. How if I promise I stop making fun of your look and you stop crying?"

"I'm not crying about that, you doofus. I'm still confused about being the newly Dark One. And everybody tries to change me back or demands something from me. I feel that you are the only one who can understand and accept me. But you are not around anymore."

He gives her a hug. "Em, I don't think I can say enough times how sorry I am not to be around. I really wish I could but it's not within my power. I don' think there is a _Dark One for Dummies_ ever being published. I know, it's appalling how I missed the chance to be the first one to publish it. Just imagine the market. All of Storybrooke! What is the population again? 1000? That's assuming each member of a family will have a copy and assuming they can read too of course."

Emma smiles weakly. He always knows how to make her laugh even she is sad. Remembering that, she cries even more. She quickly adds, "I'd like to hear more of your whole take on this. Don't mind me crying, it's just me missing you, not because you make me cry."

He looks relieved. "To be honest, I don't think even my papa knows how to be a proper Dark One after centuries of practice. I presume he just has a better control of the voices inside his head. I think you should know by yourself what is best for you. No one can pressure you to be one way or another. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here seeking my view."

Emma protests, "I did want to see you."

"Em, it was more than three months your time before anyone tried to seek me out. That's OK, I don't take it personally, not that I could if I wanted to, of course." Emma is ashamed of herself as she can't argue with that. He continues, "I'd prefer you not to be the Dark One nor to harm anyone of course. But I know you. You make your own decisions. Just remember that Henry, your family, and all of Storybrooke are there for you."

"But I want you to be there too. As I said you seem to be the only one who gets it."

"I wish I could. But again, if wishes were fishes. I can only offer you listening ears and bad jokes if you drop by."

"If only I could drag you back to real life."

"I think that was the Dark One talking or you were being kinky getting in the role of the dominatrix. But sorry, being a Dark One doesn't give you the power to bring back the dead."

"How can you be so content being dead and denied everything in your life?"

"Well for now, as I said I can't really brew negative feelings. When I was alive, as I told Henry, I just let go so that I could go forward."

"Did you speak to Henry?"

"Yes, he sought me out."

"He didn't tell me."

"I guess you and Henry need to spend more time together. He loves you and he wants to understand you."

"He is a good kid."

"Don't you miss him?"

"Very much."

"I'm so sorry, Neal. I should have let you speak to him even if he didn't remember you."

"It's OK, Em. I managed to speak to him in the end although only via dreams. It's all that matters."

"You would have been a wonderful father."

"I'm glad you think that. I really do. You can be a good mother again to him if you try."

"Thanks, Neal, for everything. For listening to me, for putting up with me in life and afterward."

"Anytime. Although in this case, anytime you really wish to see me in your dreams."

"Will I see you again?"

"It's entirely up to you, isn't it?" He smiles wistfully at her.

She wants to add she loves him but she is too conflicted in her feelings with being the Dark One, with Killian, with all other complications and betrayals. But then she realizes deep down she has always loved him. She is always in denial of that to protect herself. She is about to say that but she has been analyzing too much so she is waking up, Neal is fading from her view and completely gone as she opens her eyes.

She feels new tears start to appear. When she sits up, she realizes she has been clutching the Polaroid picture of them in Portland. All smiling and happy without any worry in the world. She then remembers she was so frustrated with everyone in her life and she couldn't sleep to escape it all. Making the dreamcatchers reminded her of Neal. She wished to talk to him so badly as she thought he wouldn't judge her. She went through her box, found his picture, and clutched it before she fell asleep.

The irony of her life, with all the powers she has in this world right now, the only person who would truly accept her is not within her grasp.

* * *

 **Note:**  
-Meresger said that the current event of the show is only 3 months away from "Quiet Minds." I didn't know that as I stopped watching and it seems Emma and Henry moved on so quickly barely remembering about Neal. That was the reason I ended the story just like this. Yeah, not the ideal Swanfire ending and I purposefully end with different tone from Henry's dream. In the show Henry at least tried to bring his father back, that's why his dream still ends with hope. I have no idea how Emma is being the Dark One but I presume she will be more self-centered hence different view and different result. To be honest, I don't think Neal would be that OK for her to be a Dark One given his past trauma but he would be more sympathetic and less judgmental.

-I wrote this before the new episode titled "Dreamcatchers" airs so I could be excused from any "canon error." Although this story has been very AU in the first place.

-Please tell me what you think


End file.
